OK. Mr. UPS and I should be old friends. We've done lots and lots and lots of business together. Baby Boy receives medical supplies via UPS every single month of his life. I also use them for other miscellaneous shipping tasks. Actually we have a rather simple arrangement: I pay my hard earned money and Mr. UPS' job is to deliver my packages timely and safely.
Lately Mr. UPS has not been holding up his end of the bargain. To this I say the following . . .
Dear Mr. UPS,
First of all, I live in a gated community. This is not the only gated community. My town is full of them. It is to be expected that you will come across a gate every now and then on your delivery route. The gate is equipped with an intercom. WHY DON'T YOU USE THE INTERCOM???? I am home. I will let you in. It is a very simple intercom system. I even provided the intercom code to you when I requested delivery. I also gave you my home and cell phone number. If you could not figure out the intercom, why didn't you try to use the telephone? I know that you can use a telephone because whenever I see you driving, you have one hand on the wheel and the other on said telephone. Why not use that telephone hand to dial me up? I am not angry. I am a nice girl. I'm a nice girl who wants her package.
Secondly, I wonder, why do you insist on leaving my packages with the property manager? The property manager does not want my packages. She will not call me and tell me that I have packages. She gets very snippy with me when I call her to ask if I have packages every single day. She wants to know why I don't check the tracking number and see if my packages are there. I told her that it is true that you have a very yummy website that is supposed to track my delicious packages in real time, but you are too lazy to scan them properly so I am forced to "guesstimate" when my packages are either baking in the sun on your lunch break or sitting in her office. Either way I am certain that my package is not up here in my home where it belongs.
Third of all, Mr. UPS, I want to know why you have a job that consist of driving to various addresses around town when you cannot read. I really don't understand why your website said my package had been delivered and signed for by me when I am sitting here in my house not enjoying the contents of my package. I also don't understand why I called my property manager, who wishes I would just die, and asked if I had a package, she said "No." So I had to get my yellow pages out and call other various gated communities in my area and find my package which had been dropped off and not signed for by me in a community that I do not even live in. How come when I called that community's property manager and asked if I could drive over and get my package, she told me that she is not authorized to release it to me because I don't live in her community. How come she also informed me that she had to call you back, Mr. UPS, and have you come pick up the package so that it could be scanned properly and redelivered to the right address.
And finally, and most importantly, Mr. UPS, I would like to know why I have been hold for 20 minutes trying to speak to your supervisor to complain about you and hopefully get you fired. I am not normally a vengeful person, but I have to say that I hope today is your very last day.
Thanks for listening. I really needed to get this one off my chest.
Until next time . . .