Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Are You On Facebook?

Let's just pretend it hasn't been over a month since my last post, shall we.

WARNING!!  This post is severely long and terribly rambling.  I'm working through something and I need to use this blog as down and dirty therapy.  Remember we're broke and uninsured. ;-)  Feel free to skip on by if you're not in the mood to witness a middle aged woman unpacking her emotional baggage.   

Anywho . . . Someone must ask me about Facebook every single time I'm with friends, family, or frankly just people in general.  No, I'm not on Facebook.  Mom #2 is not on Facebook.  Baby Boy is not on Facebook.  Collectively, we are not on Facebook.  It's never really concerned or interested me too much; just a different way of wasting time online.  I'm sure people are on Facebook while I'm reading all of your blogs. ;-)

In the spirit of full disclosure, actually, I do sort of have a Facebook page.  It doesn't have any information on it, no photo, no friends, or anything like that and it's not under my real name.  I use it to "like" my favorite companies' websites so that I can get coupons.  I'll do just about anything for a coupon.  I big sparkly puffy heart coupons.  

Well, what set me off is that my sister recently sent me a link to a Facebook group for people who went to our primary/secondary school.  Primary school you say - long forgotten - big deal.  Well it is a big deal.  I grew up in Europe in a very close-knit, conservative,  dangerously-close-to-a-cult, religious group that included a school where we received a highly edited education. We spent many, many years there.  The majority of my developmental years.  The group page included photos from years past, along with more recent photos and updates from a lot of people who checked in.  My silly face was in a lot of those old photos and it really brought back memories.   Some people are still enveloped in a looser translation of the religion, many have moved on to more mainstream lives.  All seem to look back on those years as a fond experiment.  It's kind of like a recently defunct exclusive club and you were a founding member.  Very few people in the world are privy to the experience we shared.  

For a week after perusing the group pages, I proceeded to have raging nightmares.  The images brought up a lot of pain that I thought I was over.  Over the years I have weathered a fairly serious identity crisis as I have grown up, released myself from that religion, came out, began learning about actual science and history, etc . . . There were many lost years and many more rebuilding.  I'm confident in myself now, but that week I was having daily flashbacks.  It was emotionally draining.

Now that I've come out on the other side, I realize there are some people I really would like to reconnect with.  I see their photos, their spouses, their children and how much their lives have blossomed.  I feel the desire to reach out.  They obviously feel the same way or why would they have such a group.  It's like that shared experience is our sun and we're all in tight orbit around it.  The gravitational pull is getting harder and harder to ignore.

But on the other hand, I don't know if I want to live my life "out loud" like that.  I enjoy my anonymity.  I do blog (sort of), but I don't usually give my real name, or the real name of my family members.  I think it's common knowledge what general area of the country I live in, but not altogether too specific.  I like having a veil, even if it's imagined, of privacy in my life.

I have to admit that I am also afraid that I'll be judged harshly by people who are still "in the faith."  I'm completely burned out on religion.  I'm glad it's there for people who need it, including my very own Mom and Sister, but I simply do not partake. I have a long miserably sorted history with church, religion, demon deacons, evil church ladies, being gay, being feminist, being artistic, and being a bunch of other stuff that is  fodder for a whole other post.  Another long post. 

All that is to say, I've been thinking about actually personalizing my page and really joining Facebook, but I probably won't.  Are y'all on it?  What do you like about it?  What do you hate about it?  Give me the scoop!

Who knew a simple question, could conjure up so much . . . stuff.  Such is life, I guess. 

If you've read this far, thanks.  I really needed a listening ear.  If you skipped over all the drama in the middle and are just skimming to the end, I understand that too.  Time is money, Honey. 

43 days of triple digit temperatures.  I just had to mention, it's HOT!   

Until next time . . .

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